and its days like this that i hate

because i would be so used to running to you and telling you everything and celebrating and just being happpy, and now i cant. i wont. i cant run to the one person i would tell first without feeling my heart fall apart again. its like whenever i hear your voice or see anything that reminds me of you, i go back to dreaming of horrible things. as bad as i want you, as bad as i miss you, i dont know when ill be able to be ok. i dont know when ill be able to look at you in the eyes and not cry for what we could have been. you say look at all of our past. people say look at it and all the time invested and nothing else should matter.. but things changed when you broke my past. its not a simple timeline anymore... things dont fit anymore, things dont make sense anymore. i want to hear you words and your truths, but i dont think i can ever do that.. maybe ill be optimistic and say i hope one day i do? i almost forgot the point of this dumb blog. im just thankful enough to have makeup and music. and as stupid as you think it sounds im just glad that i can turn my music on and paint my face on so that i dont have to bother anyone with the truth. they dont need to know. i dont need anymore people feeling sorry about me or laughing about me or offering me advice. i cant trust any of them. why bother? they're going to let you down anyway. and if they havent, they eventually will. again and again.