11:11

what can we really say that can qualify us to prove the test of how long we stay interested in something or someone so long that it becomes a passion? how long until we dont recognize it as a interest, and realize were in love? i have gone through the years and god i know i tried to fight the changes but i can honestly say that i now reside exactly where i desire to be. changes are scary, love is scary, giving yourself up is scary, it lets you feel used, manipulated and washed out.. if its all given up in vain.... but when that love is well received, and returned, when that love is nurtured how do we keep that alive? how do we keep someone interested in us long enough to not get tired with the comfortable?
how do we keep someone, and not let them down?
how do we not let ourselves down?
in times when noone else wants anything to do with me, why do you always try to solve my problems? why do you help me feel sane , when insanity has swept me of my feet, and nostalgia chisels at my eyes?
to you i owe my time, to you i owe my sighs.
a breath of fresh air in the sun, when everyones reasons are excuses.
how can i answer the question of love in a day?
how can i fill up a piece of paper with adjectives when i cant even describe it in words what you mean to me?
sometimes i think too much, but you know that about me and you still love me.
sometimes i dream too much, but you know that and you still love me.
sometimes i have too much hope in people and our world, and you know this and still tell me to hope for more.
thank you for believing in me, and letting me know that wishes can come true.

can you say

Hypocrite?
I wish, I really wish you would get a life.
Bitch, remember this was all your idea.

when it rains, it sure does pour.

gosh how i wish i always had the right to say, how i wish i could solve everyones problems and always be the best reliable friend anyone ever had.
sometimes things get to hard, and i think i have spent too much of my life trying to fix every single friendship that i have ever had, or wanted to have.
you know how most of us have soo many acquaintances? yes acquaintances, the word so many of us dont say but we know we have tons of. all those friends that only come around once in a fucken while to rekindle the same shit and ask the same questions.
well news flash, if we were such good friends as we all like to pretend that we are, wouldnt we already know all the things going on in my life right now? or wouldnt you at least come around more often to hear about the things going on in my life?
simple answer, no. thats not always the case.
were stuck in a whirlwind of people and friendships and casual conversation with low key friends that we waste all of our good quality time.
we should really just take all that effort and throw it out the window, and rather not focus on that one friend that no matter what the fuck you want to talk about will always be supportive, the one fucken friend that will listen and not just be quick to judge, the one fucken friend who knows why you are upset.
tell me what fucken friend are you?

how i wish i could fix all your problems friends. i really wish i could, but you havent put enough effort in me to want to be able to help you..
i hope you know that all i say is keeping all of your best interests in mind. you can get through this, and i will make sure to help with the bumpy parts, movie, cookies and liquor in hand.
i will listen,
because sometimes the one thing that fixes everything, is when someone just sits there and listens to you , like
a completely quiet, unbiased, real friend.

bears sense repeating now.

how gorgeous is she?
totally want to recreate.

you cant deny, you want your happy ending.
yes
yes i do.
im a sucker for those kinds of things.
i guess i never got over the cliche stuff i thought i would forget as i grew up...
fudge.
when will i stop being such an emotional fuckwittage?

its all nothing but words.

if i was smarter
if i was taller
if i was prettier
if i was a bit more artsy
if i was more creative
if i was a but more adventurous..
why oh why do we feel the need to always want , and want more and more?
we never reach that point of satisfaction. its a constant race to get more and buy more and win more.
when if we really just slowed down a bit we could see that we all have more than we should.
simple things that make us happy, like love and flowers.
or like me,
nail polish and grapes.
or dusting my shelves and lighting my vanilla candles.
wearing mascara.
or making up weird outfits from things i would never put together...
sometimes i wish i could do soo much more.
but then i realize that sometimes im so much perfectly happy doing nothing at all
staying in with my big head.
oh how times have changed.
but thats ok right?
as long as i am ok with it, i will be perfectly fine.
now my dreams consist of wallpaper and curtains for our future apartment.
flower printed of course.
and somehow i am really looking forward to winter.
to nights full of rain, cookies and more movies to come.

hahahaha i should have known.
oh well. its amazing how fast it happened this time.

so excited, this weekend should be full of jenny, amanda and she and him!!!! soo excited, hopefully jenny and i get enough time to recreate our zooey outfits :)

i am still on a mission for this one. where oh where can i find a cardigan in this shade???

how long does it take?
how long?
im going to be waiting forever.
maybe its different.
who knows what we want anymore.

want nowwwwwwww....

"Most days of the year are quite remarkable, they begin and they end with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life."

but why is it that we remember that one day that really changed it all?
why is it that no matter how hard we try we keep going back to that day.. and it replays that same sick memory. taunting me, laughing at me. it didnt feel good the first time, so why keep remembering?
i can always remember the last day where things changed. i wish i didnt have such a good memory sometimes... maybe i should just focus all that energy and just have really really good eyesight..
and its just the really really hard part is letting go. becauses theres so many times we realize something is not worth it anymore but we keep it going. like a car with no gas.. keep beating the same ol dead horse..
maybe we should just be happy that they were once a happy memory. remember all the good times, and thank them for that.
maybe we should just stop being such hoarders..
i dont need to have it all.
after its always been about quality and not quantity.

so much has changed..

things happen for a reason.
but how long do we wait for that reason?
i feel like im going to be bitter forever.
was i not worth the fight?
i dont know. i dont know ..i dont think ill ever know.
sometimes people change, things change.
priorities change, doesn't necessarily mean change is for the better.
sometimes people make stupid mistakes and that's just them.
its now i was finally able to see why things didn't feel right.
i mean what kind of friendship would it be if you couldn't even completely feel comfortable expressing how you felt at all times.
i guess we never really received that title.
blah.. im like on a word vomit spreeeee.. hahaha

but on the upside.
i start school in less than a month!!
i will again be chasing books and scantrons!! i havent been happier than i am now.
and in part is due because of him.
i have never been prouder in all of our 6 years(almost) than i am now of him.
he makes happier than words could ever explain.. cheesy i know but thats just the only way i could put it.
i have seen him go from a boy to a man, and i know that he has matured more than i could know.
he makes me smile. he makes me enjoy just being next to him.. theres times when all i do is sit there and laugh because i am sooo happy and appreciative of all the hard work he has put in.
this is not a one foot race.
we can complete it now, with both feet on the ground.
i have to stop before i cry!
of happiness of course.