you do or you dont

you will or you wont.. no more. Baby Im going to do it right. what happened to our love back then? Im tired. Im so tired of being sad. All i wanted was to be happy with you. Only you. Now i dont know anymore.

A girl spends so much time being sad..

And then she gets mad. You don't ever want her to be mad. I'm thankful that I have the right to transition to be mad. Very mad.

Might as well face it

You're addicted to love.. Will I ever not be?

Fuck

That shit . No fairy tales here

and its days like this that i hate

because i would be so used to running to you and telling you everything and celebrating and just being happpy, and now i cant. i wont. i cant run to the one person i would tell first without feeling my heart fall apart again. its like whenever i hear your voice or see anything that reminds me of you, i go back to dreaming of horrible things. as bad as i want you, as bad as i miss you, i dont know when ill be able to be ok. i dont know when ill be able to look at you in the eyes and not cry for what we could have been. you say look at all of our past. people say look at it and all the time invested and nothing else should matter.. but things changed when you broke my past. its not a simple timeline anymore... things dont fit anymore, things dont make sense anymore. i want to hear you words and your truths, but i dont think i can ever do that.. maybe ill be optimistic and say i hope one day i do? i almost forgot the point of this dumb blog. im just thankful enough to have makeup and music. and as stupid as you think it sounds im just glad that i can turn my music on and paint my face on so that i dont have to bother anyone with the truth. they dont need to know. i dont need anymore people feeling sorry about me or laughing about me or offering me advice. i cant trust any of them. why bother? they're going to let you down anyway. and if they havent, they eventually will. again and again.

It's not a good day..

It never is anymore. It's getting harder to smile.
To keep pretending to all these assholes. To keep happy. I wish I could just sleep and hide. I want reasons I search for explanations. I try to build my own timelines. I can't. You make me happy and sick at the same time. I miss you so much it hurts. I have never felt so alone in my life. But I can't. As much as I would love to run and see you. My heart won't let me.

I think in decimals and dollars

I am the cost to all your problems.
Shelter from cold
We are never alone.
Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out.
Wish I knew.

Holding on to your grudge,
Oh it's so hard having someone ou love.
You can't have a secret if it wasn't a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't want to get caught.

When theres no one else,

who the hell do you look for? who the hell do you talk to? who the hell do you trust?
in life we are faced with a lot of choices and i lead a life that I'd like to believe that i made really good choices, and for that reason solely is why everything happened now. Its my fault, something i did and or didnt do. the worst part about it is i keep having these horrible dreams i keeo wishing so bad that nothing was ever real, but i cant. I see myself then, stupid and happy, contrasted with now stupid and sad. and i dont understand it, i dont think i ever will.
you fucken let people completely in and they dont have the balls to tell you the truth.
the people that are supposed to mean something.

why now? why now when i was completely and utterly happy and ok? i was sailing back to cloud 9. i was rejoiced. i loved my life and finally began to see all things clearly again. sad thing is i dont think you realize how badly you hurt me. i think back to 8 years and im upset because i realize that nothing ever meant anything to you. you were such a great liar, monuments and steps taken in life were just so you could please me, not because you wanted them to happen. and then i see myself as a role in the master plan, what was the master plan? to break me down? to break me down?
well you all succeeded. i hate you for making me feel like a complete weak person, i hate you for making me feel like i deserved it. go back to it all,was it all worth it? did it really feel so good? what does it feel like to have your whole life completely broken apart? completely ruined, cause all you can think about is how bad you feel now, how bad you hurt, well 8 years worth of story in my heart that meant nothing. i dont want promises, i dont want words, frankly i dont even know if i want actions. i wish so bad with all my heart that i could leave, i dont know where. i dont know how. but i need to leave it all. please put my mind to sleep forever. please let me sleep forever, i keep telling myself to sleep forever but its impossible. can i just skip this and go to the part where im happy ? this is how people go crazy. this is how people end up broken and abused.





this is what you did to me.

you always hurt the ones you love

The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall

You always brea-eak the kindest hear-eart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart la-ast night
It's because I love you most of all

You always hurt the one you lo-ove
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest ro-ose
And crush it till the petals fa-all

You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall
So-o if I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you mo-ost of a-all


You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
Crush it, ti-ill the petals fall

You always brea-eak the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all...

Ahhhh.

Somedays it's easier than others... What to do when my creativity is down... I'm just thankful for new beginnings again.

and i think of the many things i am grateful for..

and many times its you. and my hopes and dreams and the damn idea of wanting to be this happy forever. this is as young as ill ever be. lets remain silent in our own world. forget them all, we cant really expect them to understand can we?

Today is the day.

And we did it. Now we wait.

Down to the point of complete exhaustion

And I'm just thankful for the chance to get to do this. I hope that I don't freeze Thursday...

Today I am simply thankful for

Having one boob bigger than the other. The right.... Lol

Vision yourself where you want to be

And what you want to be. And it makes it that much easier. Grateful for all the wonderful things in my life. Happy for him. And to have more days like today in which we just enjoy each others company.

And it happens

Today. Happiness is contagious

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in..

Please please wish me luck. Comps in less than 7 days!!😱

...

Ten more days...

Till I can breathe or cry myself to sleep. Wish me luck

.............

Don't listen to the noise of fools- they may think they are talking, but it's nothing worth hearing. Gossip, negativity and hate is never part of a loving, hopeful and kind person's way of thinking or speaking...-wise wordes of kandee johnson..

we might realize that this is the way to live, but its easier said than done. wouldnt it be easier to just get rid of the negativity. lets get rid of them.. but it doesnt work that way... things work out in the end. i know it. i know they do.. they have to.

thankful that i still have my dreams. even though most of the time im scared shitless.

And we can plan

But let's just hope it all goes according to it..

Home come back...

That's what I keep telling my mind. Thank god for new beginnings? just hope they come soon.

Happy birthday my smelly,

Thankful for another bday with you..

Almost my babies bday..

:)

Ah I'm here..

Nothing left to be thankful but being at home and seeing my smelly and my bf at the gate! :)

Last day here...

What will I do to remember it all?!

Last day here...

What will I do to remember it all?!