i think i got my answer.
Its a one way road i have been following. their path was shorter than mine.
I wonder if the way my stomach drops whenever i think about it... is ever going to stop.
it helps keep my heart beat constant.
it helps it jump and make my body feel alive.
if they only knew how long i was going to have to do this.
im the fool here, shame on me. but i cant stop.
its like a sickly addiction that eats me away.
maybe they should think of acting as their career, and bring me along.
i have been part of the act as well, i should get some credit.
if they only knew how much its worth, for my sanity, the honesty.
thats all i ever want.
that's not all i ever get.
i wonder how many people know. that the promise i dream about making in the future
is only one sided.
its the promise i want to make.
each day goes on, and they go off again.
i know ok, i know.
i dont want to know, but i do.
i never agreed to be a part.
just tell me the truth, i deserve that at least right?
you dont have to worry about me, it never was about me anyway.
take it as you want.

you know when you reach those moments in time when you look back and analyze how far you have gotten?
well thats where i am right now.
i know its weird but sometimes i still get so unsure of myself and where im going that i drive myself crazy. like i said, i tend to over analyze things alot.
like love.
if that word in itself does not freak you out then boy you have never felt it.
sometime my mind tends to think faster than my hands can type or write.
love. blah.
sometimes i think that i love him more than he could ever love me.
but see thats not bad is it? i know that he loves me, but i think the way that we explain it is different and therefore one tends to be bigger. mine.
i can sometimes see ourselves as we were before, and its scary
because i never want to go back to those days.
days .
like how he smiles, how he looks at me.
like how i have stupid days, and how i think darn i must be doing something good, because he comes back even when i look like a mess, or act like a mess. im darn lucky.
thats all now, but the memories of the way we were back then are mostly in the negative side, so i tend to block those out.
{lets just say that she has never been happier, than she is now}

Dear man on the moon,

Monday October 19th, 2009 12:04 am

We are happy, mainly because of this.
I decided i would make use of my awesome anniversary present.
so Anel, and I, sat on our lovely love sac, and watched Snow White.
now, i dont know about you, but i personally prefer Snow White over any old orange(correction-red)) haired fish lady. It made me remember the days when I used to live with 7 short men, and the fun I used to have cleaning.
anyway later on, amanda came home and we discussed options for our next trip. We couldn't decide if we wanted to go to Ontario Mills or Inland Center, so we just decided to go to Italy.
So as Anel, Amanda and I googled short routes on mapquest we decided that we really need to find other exciting things to do throughout the day. I mean what else could we do besides perezhilton.com, fmylife.com, and textsfromlastnight.com? There had to be other websites right?
We were having so much fun googling until we remembered ed hardy was here. (ugh what a douche.)
thats when i decided we would need to make more friends so that our friends can have nice boyfriends who like dancing, drinking and buying things for us too. we came to realization that we would need a total of two good boys and one good lesbian.
plan set.
for the rest of the night whilst Anel and I IM'ed each other, while sitting next to each other, while predicting each other, we forgot why were even talking in the first place.
hmm i think i was trying to figure out what she was trying to do since i obviously know what she is trying to do before she even figures out what shes going to do, and then tells me. meanwhile, Amanda was in the restroom, recovering from the stomach flu that she acquired in our adventure at the big hacienda in chile. we told her not to drink that water, or eat that chile, or kiss that boy.
but its ok, her mom had plenty of toilet paper.
in other news,
unfortunately steve is no longer with us tonight.
he has acquired H1N1, which no large amount of nyquil can cure.





one bottle and one day later, we kicked him out.
for now we spend some quality time.
we will spend the night thinking of what Halloween decorations we are going to get, and what toppings our pizza will have tomorrow.
i gotta say today was a good day, i didn't have to use my A.K......