Another year. i have always been one to try to not bash the year that has past. I dont want to say that last year was horrible, that i shouldn't have done this or that, and that in 2012 I will do this big long list of things. Setting new years resolutions gets kind of old. When why would you wait to change something(sometimes the same somethings every year) on the first day of the year, when you can take initiative any day? we can look at any day as a new beginning, I mean it always is, isnt it? The sun sets, and rises again. We sleep and wake up and have the chance to start over again... might not be so easy to change things every day when we wake up, but if we can make a small effort every day doesn't that count? I think so. So again Im not going to say hey Elizabeth, this year you will lose 25 lb.. starting tomorrow no fast food and tons of exercise or this year I will get another job, and change my life and become a better person, because I totally sucked last year. Lets get real... Small steps and i can do anything. I dont regret doing anything, even the stupidest things in the world, because realize it or not I learn something from everything. If it makes me a little bit smarter than when in the future faced in the same situation i wont do it again, then thats enough for me. i come to this year as a person setting out to discover things about herself. I am on a mission like i am every day to become stronger than i was yesterday. i think people look at me and sometimes expect the worst, and of course they talk the worst., but in reality Im learning in due time,sometimes you just start to not give a FUCK about what people have to say about you. Its hard i know and im not saying i have the full capability to this as well as i would love to, but Im learning.. and now that sooner rather than later i WILL BE OK. There was a time this month when i thought that i wouldn't make it. I thought my life was over and couldn't believe reality(or rather didn't want to accept it) but then I woke up. And as simple as it sounds i realized that i hadnt died or fallen ill. The only thing wrong with me was that I lost a bit of hope in the world, and my large bubble of happiness was a bit broken. Thats when I got angry. i mean why would i allow anyone and everyone to decide what i feel? Why would i keep letting people shape my moods or shape my decisions with their opinions? Opinions, thats all they should be. Taken into consideration, but who are they to say what I need or want from my life? Im learning and realizing sadly as the world gets older, and I of course get older, theres less and less people that really belong in your life... and thats perfectly ok. I have the capability to make myself happpy and enjoy life, and can afford to delete people that arent worth my time or energy or worries... Peoples opinions and words hurt, yes but who are they to say what I can or cant do? Most of the time Im thankful enough to think that I know im stronger than they out there forming opinions of me. Maybe I had the balls to do something that they had been trying to do but will never do. maybe i had the courage to say something that they would never bother to say out loud, for fear of it being real. and thats ok...Im ready to play the bad guy or the good guy role that they have in their mind about me. I know what I am. I dont need them to confirm it.. So this today, instead of focusing on the bad and trying to steer away from negativity I propose myself a new challenge. Yes ironic that i begin on the first of the year, after all that hoopla i spoke about resolutions, but this is different...
i want to start a list or rather writings, be it a sentence or a paragraph each day of the year in which I will write at least one thing that i am happy and grateful for. i will list one positive thing in my life for that day, no matter how small it is..(this means that if i am having a bad day, maybe the only thing I will be grateful that day will be a chocolate chip cookie)..
So here it goes....
Today January 1,2012. I want to say that i am grateful to be a believer. To be a believer in love. Love that can consume you and create happiness in your life that not materialistic possession can ever create. I am happy to not have lost hope in it like I thought I did. Love that can create an image of something that can never be written nor spoken nor smelled nor touched. The feeling of euphoria that can fix anything. that can make anything possible. I am grateful that no matter what goes wrong in my life, no one can take away my belief in love. That love van be the best therapy anyone can do for their soul, and believing in it can make anything seem possible no matter how hard it may seem to obtain... so here I am ready for 2012 world.
I am Elizabeth and I believe in Love.
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